The Drunks’ Reality.

Hey guys,
My amazing readers, friends, colleagues, supporters, acquaintances and frenemies, its so swell to have you again today. This time we are going to be paying a visit to our buddies who groove with the booze. Drinks, beer, alcohol,booze, ale, gin, wine, shayo… Whatever you like to call it, Its got that amazing ingredient that takes you into a whole new dimension. In this dimension, you are the king and you rule your world but when the day clears up, it’s like amnesia took over while you were asleep and remembering becomes a torture of doubts. Drinking is fun but being drunk has its perks and hells. Moderation is the word, when you drink till you lose your mind, you become a prisoner in your fantasy world because you let the booze assume your seat of control. Here are the amazing things that you do when you are drunk that you tend to overlook or forget…

1. Your Account becomes the Bottomless pit
Your bank account suddenly has this super ability of producing cash endlessly whenever the crave for a drink  becomes too much to bear. You swipe your card with reckless abandon as if it’s Dangote’s black card. It’s nice to be as giving as possible in your everyday life, but when blood alcohol levels rises, funds skyfall because generosity overtakes you. All you wanted to do was fund other people’s drinking habits and put smiles on their faces. Now, all of a sudden, you become an economic expert and everything in your life goes under management until the next payday.

2. Fighting Abilities Exaggerated

Amazing how five Bud Light Limes can provide the confidence of 15+ years of mixed martial arts training. Some people feel an unwarranted sureness of themselves when they’ve got the power of booze compelling them, challenging people to physical combat over “stepped on toes” or “spilled drinks”. It’s never good to be this way because you’re not the current UFC Light Heavyweight Champion and there’s nothing fun about being knocked out for like, eight dreams long.

3. Shakespearian Drunk Essay Texts

It’ll feel like you’ve been possessed by the soul of Shakespeare and your text message is the equivalent of Romeo’s spiel outside of Juliet’s window, with a brilliant musical score playing in the background. In actuality it’s a spelling error riddled, acronym and emoticon filled ramble that will come in the form of 7 text messages to a person who’s surely going to show other people this embarrassing blabber. Also, that music you’re hearing in the distance is no amazing jingle; it’s just some Pitbull song. And it’s really bad.

4. Sober People Are Therapists

Any pair of ears willing to listen will hear of your stories, trials and tribulations spoken in a volume higher than whatever music is playing in the place. Matter of fact, they don’t necessarily have to be willing to listen. As long as they’re in the general vicinity of your drunkenness, they’re liable to hear whatever it is you’d like to get out of your system. When they acknowledge you it’s even more inviting; giving a head nod or a smile makes a drunk person feel as if you’ve just said to them, “How is your entire life going? Tell me the good and the bad in the loudest voice possible. K, ready?… Go!”

5. Allowing Enemies To Become Friends

Sworn enemies who you hate — albeit some of the time for silly reasons — suddenly become bearable when spotted in the conditions of a social, alcohol-heavy environment. In fact they aren’t just tolerable, suddenly they’re worthy of penetrating your super-exclusive, tight knit circle of friends — at least for that night they are. Beefs are squashed under the influence of liquor, then beef is often eaten at some unhealthy spot afterward. Which leads to the next point…

6. Diets Are A Distant Memory

Whether you’re on a diet or simply eat decently to avoid cardiac arrest by your early thirties, that all goes out the window when you reach a certain level of intoxication. It’s almost as if alcohol enhances the taste of any food capable of making a drenched brown bag drip grease. Eat at your own risk, as it’s guaranteed to do some damage to your physical health.

7. Bad Dances

Do you really want 720p footage of your attempt at crump dancing roaming around on Youtube or Instagram?

8. Making The Worst Decisions Online

A friend request to your secret crush whom you have zero mutual friends with, a Facebook chat conversation that you should not be initiating, liking an entire album at 3 in the morning, a humiliating rant e-mail that is going to be shared and laughed at amongst that person and their friends. These are the types of things that happen when you drink and social network.

9. Smoking

For those who smoke sparingly, drunkenness is the primary opportunity to light ‘em up like you’re filming an episode of Mad Men. Ironically Marlboro works as the slurred pronunciation of “May I borrow one?” which is exactly what drunken smokers who never actually buy cigarettes will request from all of the regulars. It’s not clear what about alcohol makes a cig seem so enticing, but at least lungs can join livers in absolutely hating you the following morning.

10. Consider Everything A Toilet

Bushes, walls, pavement, the area being a dumpster in a dark alley – all of these places become toilets when you’ve got to pee. If you’ve broken the seal after drinking alcohol, the ability to hold it in disappears. When nature calls, you must answer quickly and any object outdoors is a viable candidate to receive a golden shower.

Is this accurate? Not a 💯 percent sure, because I hardly drink the booze. Only “the character” can tell the story as it is or better still “the writer”. Chisom Mastermind Nnaji is the writer of this piece, so my guess is he knows better. Having a contrary opinion? kindly take a smooth ride down to the comment section and pour out your heart. We’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Thanks for visiting BlackWordz blog today, you are amazing. And before you take that drink, always remember that moderation is the key to everything… in this case… See ya next time.